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Hawaiian Rules to Live By

Barb Small — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:50:00 GMT

Never judge a day by the weather.

The best things in life aren't things.

Tell the truth - there's less to remember.

Speak softly and wear a loud shirt.

Goals are deceptive - the unaimed arrow never misses.

He who dies with the most toys - still dies.

Age is relative - when you're over the hill, you pick up speed.

There are 2 ways to be rich - make more or desire less.

Beauty is internal - looks mean nothing.

No Rain - No Rainbows.

By Aunty Mona Kahele

Improve your Physical and Emotional Well-being

Barb Small — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 21:51:00 GMT

Hello,

I just wanted to let you know about this new nutritional supplement that I have discovered from livethesource. I have been very impressed by the impact it has had on both my physical and emotional well-being.

I am very interested in natural and complementary health and am always on the look out for new and better products. I am also the first person to be sceptical of anyone wanting me to buy anything.

That said, in May I was told about a presentation for a new nutritional supplement and actually decided to go to the talk. I think it might have been because I was feeling really tired, achy and stiff that day and I thought, “What have I got to lose”.

Well I ended up buying some of the dailysource Multi-vitamin, Mineral and Herbal Supplement that night to try it out. I was intrigued by the science behind the formulation of the product and the testimonials from other users in the room. I also liked the positive energy from the company founder and the distributors giving the presentation.

The dailysource Multi-vitamin, Mineral and Herbal Supplement is an all-natural product made from 100% food grade ingredients so that it is easily recognized and absorbed by the body. It is produced using a nano-technology which creates nano-encapsulated vitamins and minerals that feed your body at a cellular level. It is easily ingested into your cells and does not need to be digested. It helps to nourish your body and create balance so that your body is then better able to naturally heal itself of any imbalances. Dailysource also works on a preventative level as each time your cells replicate, they replicate into healthier cells.

So even though I sat there sceptically listening, I was impressed and intrigued:

With the science behind the product formulation
That the product is 100% natural and made from food
That it helps your body to become more balanced so that your body can then do what it is meant to do naturally - which is heal itself
That only 10% of most vitamin capsules are absorbed by your body while the nano-technology used to produce this product allows for much quicker and more efficient absorption directly into your cells
With the cost effectiveness and convenience of taking only one product
By the testimonials of the people in the room who were already using the product
became an annualized multi-million dollar company within the first 4 months

But most of all I am impressed by the changes I noticed in myself after only two weeks of using the dailysourcetm:

I was sleeping much better and waking up feeling much more rested
I had more energy during the day and noticed myself just naturally doing more rather than being so exhausted that I just wanted to sit on the couch
Both my knees that were almost constantly burning were noticeably less painful
Overall all my muscles and joints were less achy
Although I hadn’t lost any weight according to the scale, I noticed my clothes were a lot looser around my stomach
I noticed an improvement in my digestion as well
I’ve suffered from chronic congestion in my nose and throat for as long as I can remember and there was a clear improvement in this as well
Emotionally I felt a lot less stressed and responded much more calmly and was less reactive to ongoing stressful situations. They just didn’t seem to be such an issue anymore
Most of these changes tended to happen subtly and I noticed them retroactively when I realized that I just wasn’t feeling or behaving a certain way anymore.

So I ended up doing what I vowed I wouldn’t do when I went to the presentation and I have become a distributor/sponsor of the livethesource products which include the dailysourcetm Multi-vitamin, Mineral and Herbal Supplement and the Vitamin D3 Booster. When I started to take the Vitamin D3 Booster before bed each night I was right away sleeping through to 6:30 AM rather than waking up at 5:00 AM. As well, I would wake up some mornings realizing that I don’t think I even rolled over all night! This was a great benefit.

I wanted to share this information and my experience with you. If you would like more information, I invite you to visit www.livethesource.com .

If you are interested in trying these products yourself or have any questions, please give me a call at 250-361-3439 or email me at barbsmall@shaw.ca. The products are only available for purchase through a livethesource distributor/sponsor like me or through www.livethesource.com .

The dailysourcetm Multi-vitamin, Mineral and Herbal Supplement retails for $48/bottle which lasts one month (that’s less that $2.00/day) and a month’s supply of the Vitamin D3 Booster is $40.

Thanks.
Barb Small
Distributor/Sponsor #4001388

What is YOUR one key step to Personal Wellness?

Barb Small — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 18:11:00 GMT

Several years ago I interviewed Dr. Lara Lauzon about how to create wellness and balance in our lives. Some of the ideas she shared with me then have stuck with me to this day.

The one that stayed with me the most was finding your one key ingredient for wellness. She suggested creating an individual wellness plan that fits in with your own unique lifestyle and interests. No one activity or change is going to work for everyone. Lara comes from a strong physical activity background so for her physical activity is a baseline for well-being. “If I am not active on a regular basis I get grumpy.”

We all have one thing that makes us well. This activity energizes us and when we are involved in it we are more motivated to take care of ourselves in other ways. When we don’t have time to do a lot to keep us well, making time for this one activity can impact all areas of our lives. We will be a better mother, son, wife, husband, employee or friend. For some people it will be physical exercise, for others gardening, music, reading or painting. What makes you well?

Well-being also includes connecting with others and asking for help when needed. Lara was raised to be very independent and had to learn that “you don’t always have to do everything by yourself. Working with others can help you stay well. If you are so independent you’re trying to do everything on your own, you can easily get burnt out.” How might you connect more with others?

Little bits of self-care along the way is a much better plan for living well then that crash course in wellness when you are so exhausted that it is difficult to even start. Wellness does not mean that you won’t ever feel stressed or tired. You’re not going to exercise and eat healthy every day. It is about embracing this as a lifestyle. We’ll always have our peaks and valleys. You may get off track, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track and ensure you spend even a small amount of time on the one thing that makes you well.

Why Can Asking for Help Be So Difficult?

Barb Small — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 18:06:00 GMT

Why is it so hard to ask for help? Despite the fact that we may be overwhelmed with responsibility or are unsure about what we need to do next, many of us do not ask for help or reject help when it is offered.

Asking for help is often hard because we don’t know what our needs are, we are fearful of being a bother, or we feel guilty that we are not able to do it all ourselves. Beliefs such as “no one can do this as well as I can,” or “no one should do this but me” can also be obstacles to asking for help. It’s true. No one will do something exactly the same as you, but that does not mean that they cannot be helpful in their own way.

Recognize that asking for help is a sign of strength and not weakness. It means you have an awareness of your situation and have come up with a proactive problem-solving approach to making things easier. Asking for help is a sign of strength because it is an acknowledgment of the challenges of the situation. It is a sign of strength because it requires putting your pride aside and acting in the best interest of everyone involved.

You first need to admit that having some help will make a real difference. You need to define what help you need. Which tasks would be the easiest to ask others to do? Which do you really want to do yourself? And which, if any, can you afford to pay others to do?

Discuss your needs with others who might be willing to lend a hand. They may want to help but don’t always know how or when to intervene. Don't be afraid to say "Yes" if someone offers to help. Have a list of errands or tasks you need help with. Focus on each person’s strength. Some may be better at listening while others may be better able to help with errands.

Family Dynamics During an Illness in the Family

Barb Small — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:01:00 GMT

Dealing with significant illness and health concerns in a family can bring out the best and the worst in everyone involved. People can come together to support each other or the stress can lead to frustration and conflict between family members.

Past family dynamics and family roles often re-surface. All those old issues and unresolved tensions that you thought you had resolved can often re-emerge.

It is important to keep in mind that everyone will respond to the situation in their own unique way. Frustration can occur if you expect everyone else to feel or act the same as you. Everyone in the family comes with a different history within the family, a different relationship with the person who is ill and a different comfort level with illness and the associated emotions.

Coping With the Ongoing Losses Associated with an Illness in the Family

Barb Small — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 23:18:00 GMT

Although we expect to grieve when someone dies or is diagnosed with a terminal illness, we may not expect the recurring grief we can experience throughout the time we care for someone. Facing ongoing loss is one of the many challenges that we encounter as we adjust to changes in our health or a family member’s health. With each change, we can experience feelings of loss. Each loss requires mourning.

Depending on the specifics of your illness or your family member’s illness, you may be struggling with one or more of the following losses:
• Independence
• Privacy
• Hopes and dreams for the future
• Financial security
• Changes in the relationship
• Your social life
• Your job
• Your home

Your grief can manifest itself in many ways including guilt, anxiety, helplessness, irritability, anger or frustration. It is important that you deal with these emotions as they occur rather than allowing the grief to build.

In addition, a chronically ill person may also have to cope with facing the fear of more ongoing loss. Changing roles in family, work and social situations that result from a person’s illness can create additional adjustment problems for everyone involved.

Some steps for coping with illness related loss include:
• Recognizing and talking about your feelings. Good friends, family members, or local religious organizations can be good sources of support. Reach out to others to help reduce feelings of isolation.
• Joining a support group.
• Honouring your memories of what used to be while you acknowledge how things are now and what is still possible.
• Writing down your feelings. Writing or journaling is not for everyone. For individuals who enjoy writing, it can be a wonderful way to express feelings of loss and grief.
• Reading a book on coping with grief and loss.
• Making time for yourself. Do what works for you. You may want to garden, read, go for a walk or visit with others.
• Asking for help when needed.

Communicating with Healthcare Providers

Barb Small — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 23:13:00 GMT

Good communication is the foundation of building a working partnership. Communication takes time, effort and a willingness to work out differences together. When communicating with healthcare providers, being assertive is more helpful than being non-assertive. Not coming right out and asking for what you need, hinting or hoping the other person will read your mind wastes both your time and the healthcare provider’s time. By “beating around the bush”, needs do not get addressed and messages do not get properly conveyed.

When being assertive you express your feelings or opinion and make requests directly. You learn to ask rather than assume or guess. This can lead to improved care as wants and needs are more clearly presented and understood. Make your requests clear and concise. If you then need more information, you can follow-up with additional questions. When trying to determine what information needs to be conveyed, consider the following:
• What information do the various healthcare providers need to know about you?
• What do you need to know about “who does what” on the healthcare team?
• What questions do you have about the treatment that you are receiving?

Prepare a list of questions to ask the doctor, or information you want to give them. Clarify any instructions. If you are not sure that you understand, ask again until you get a satisfactory response. Use phrases such as “you mean that…”, “in other words…” or “does that mean…” If you don’t know the meaning of technical words used, ask. It also helps to set an agenda for these discussions. You will save time and you won’t be distracted trying to remember what you want to ask. Take a notebook to write down key points.

If you need information or have questions, don’t wait for the health care provider to contact you. Be proactive and give them a call, then follow-up if you don’t hear back from them. Keep in mind that although your health may be your number one priority, your doctor or healthcare provider has many other clients who are also demanding their attention. In reality you are simply one of many. It is important to be assertive and initiate discussions to ensure we obtain the information that we need. Be your own advocate.

Impact of Body Positioning in Effective Communication

Barb Small — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 08:53:00 GMT

Our communication is also impacted by whether we are sitting or standing in relation to the other person. When you stand over someone who is sitting, the other person can feel intimidated or threatened. The standing person can feel more powerful and in control. It is a similar behavior as seen in other animals where the dominant animal stands over the more submissive animal.

The situation of one of my clients reflects this idea very well. She was in a verbally abusive relationship with her husband. The only time that he got madat her and was verbally abusive was when she was lying in and he was standing over her or when she was sitting on the couch and he was once again towering over her. Eventually, she realized that if she simply stood up when he started yelling, it shifted the dynamics immediately and dramatically. He became less powerful and she felt less threatened by just changing her body position. The switch in dynamics was even more strongly illuminated when she was standing up a ladder hanging Christmas decorations and her husband rushed in ready to yell at her. She said he stopped immediately and seem flustered by the situation. This time she was physically standing over him and it seemed to really throw him off. He simply turned and left the room.

Body position also comes into play in how a room is arranged. If you are a supervisor talking to an employee and you want to make them feel comfortable. Don’t sit behind a desk while they sit in front. This is creating a physical barrier between the two of you. When a counsellor is with a client, they often sit kitty-corner to each other. This creates a sense of connection and invites people to open up. Try coming out from behind the counter when helping a client or pulling your chair up beside your spouse while talking.

Position your chairs so that you can easily make eye contact.Similarly, body positioning can be used to end conversations or create a sense of power when it may not exist. This can be done by sitting behind a desk or standing higher than someone. Simply standing up during a conversation can unconsciously signal to someone else that the conversation is coming to an end.

Respecting People's Personal Space

Barb Small — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 08:48:00 GMT

Have you ever noticed how some people stand right up close to you when they talk to you, while others stand a lot further away? Have you watched where people sit when they come into an almost empty restaurant or movie theatre? They will often spread out and not sit near each other. The concept of personal space influences these behaviors. Personal space is the space that we need to have around us in order to feel comfortable, safe and respected. When people step over this invisible line we can feel crowded, threatened or uncomfortable.

We tend to have a smaller personal space with people whom we are closer to or more intimate with. We allow them to get closer when we interact and feel okay with this closeness. While we usually keep strangers at a greater distance (i.e. the movie theatre) until we get to know them and feel more comfortable with them.

Our personal space can also reflect our current feelings about someone or about our relationships. If we are angry with a close friend or spouse, we may increase our personal space with them until we resolve our conflict. Or when a person wants to intimidate someone they get “in their face” which translates
into crossing that invisible line and invading their personal space.

The size of our personal space can be determined by our past personal experiences, be gender-based or culturally-based. Different cultures have different sizes of personal space. When some people speak to us they stand very close because that is normal for their culture. For other people it is normal to stand much further away. Generally, people in Mediterranean countries and Latin American countries tend to be more intimate and stand closer to one another. In Northern European countries and in some places in North America, people are more reserved and tend to prefer greater personal space.

When you are communicating with someone it is important to be alert to the non-verbal cues that they are sending as to whether they are comfortable with how close you are sitting or standing in relation to them. Watch their facial expressions for discomfort. Are they freely talking with you or do they seem preoccupied or distracted? This may be a sign that they are feeling uncomfortable. Are they slowly backing away from you? Do you consciously or unconsciously keep inching toward them?

How might we let someone know if they are standing too close to us? We could slowly back-up or change where we are standing. If we are sitting we could extend our legs in a way that creates more space around us or we could verbally ask them to stand a little further away.

Body Language and Emotions

Barb Small — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 08:43:00 GMT

Our true feelings come out in our body language. Others know if we are feeling resentful, angry, ashamed, happy, or scared through our facial expressions and non-verbal cues. Our emotions are produced by our self-talk in response to an event or circumstance. We talk ourselves into being angry. We talk ourselves into being scared of a person or situation. We can criticize ourselves through our self-talk and make ourselves feel embarrassed or stupid. Then our body language and other non-verbal communication are produced in response to these emotions.

Others read our emotions through our body language on an unconscious level even if verbally we are saying something else. For example, if we say yes to helping a friend move on the weekend when we really don’t want to, it will come out in our body language. It will be evident in our sighs, our lateness, our facial expressions and our whining, when we are helping them while at the same time resenting being there. We may blame our friend for us being in a situation that we don’t want to be in, but it was us who put ourselves there. I came to realize that most times that I was in a situation that I didn’t want to be in, I was the one who put me there. Getting mad or taking it out on the other person won’t change the situation. I created it and I am the only person who can change it.

Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication

Barb Small — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 08:32:00 GMT

It is important to ensure that our body language matches what we are saying. Others respond to our non-verbal communication more than our verbal, because non-verbal messages are stronger and more accurately reflect our feelings than our words do. Non-verbal messages are picked up unconsciously by others before our words are heard. For example, our crossed arms and the scowl on our face broadcast our anger even before we say anything.

We can hear what we say, but not always see what we do. Our self-talk comes through in our non-verbal cues even when we are not verbally saying anything. Looking at the floor and wringing our hands tells everyone how nervous we are feeling. That glazed look in our eyes lets people know that we are bored and
not listening and those heavy sighs let everyone know that we wish we were somewhere else.

Listed below are examples of what non-verbal communication can consist of:

Face
Facial expressions, eye contact, movement of eyes, the direction we are looking,
smiles, head nods, tears, rolling your eyes, furrowed brows, frowns, pouting,
clenched teeth, pouting…

Hands
Tightly clenched fists, wringing our hands, picking at fingers, drumming
fingers, touching, slapping, gesturing with hands…

Arms and Legs
Open posture, legs and arms crossed, legs stuck out in front of you, use of arm
gestures, arms crossed with elbows pointing out, tapping foot, jiggling leg…

Posture
Sitting, walking, leaning forward, slumped in chair, rigid posture, standing over
the other person, leaning against the wall, casual, fidgeting, shoulders slumped,
stiff or relaxed posture…

Voice qualities
Loud, soft, angry, scared, hesitant, nervous, quiet, angry, shaky, confident,
calm…

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Barb Small — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 07:10:00 GMT

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Need help? Email Barbara Small at barbsmall@shaw.ca

How Do We Maintain Our Inner Critic

Barb Small — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 13:00:00 GMT

How do we keep this negative self-talk going? How do we continue to allow it to impact our lives even after the original programmer is no longer around? Well, we do it by:

repeating the messages to ourselves when we feel stressed, angry, anxious, hurt etc…
regretting the past or worrying about the future
setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves
choosing behaviors that support these negative beliefs
criticizing, negating and discounting ourselves
not taking risks
discounting our feelings
having relationships and spending time with negative and critical people
comparing ourselves to others
self-criticism
making choices that do not have integrity with our values and beliefs
working at a job we hate or living in a home where we don’t feel safe
always putting others first

How are you keeping your inner critic fed?

The Roller Coaster Response

Barb Small — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 12:56:00 GMT

There was a wise old man who was considered to be an odd sort of fellow because of the way he had of looking at things. One day, one of his favourite horses ran away, and the old man’s friends rushed to console him. “That’s too bad about your horse,” they said. “We all feel sorry for you.”

“How do you know it’s bad?” asked the old man. A few days later the horse returned with two beautiful wild horses following him. This brought the neighbours on the run. “Good! Good!” they exclaimed.

“How do you know it’s good?” said the old man. The next day, while training the two wild horses, the man’s son was thrown, and he fractured his leg. The neighbours came over to commiserate with the old man. “That’s too bad about your son,” they said.

“How do you know this is bad?” said the old man. The very next day a warlord and his army came through the land, conscripting able-bodied young men to fight for them. The son, of course, wasn’t able to go. He had a broken leg.

Moral: It’s neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.

Source: Unknown

Nice Girls Finish Fat

Barb Small — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 23:05:00 GMT

I just finished reading “Nice Girls Finish Fat: Put Yourself First and Change Your Eating Forever” by colleague and coach, Karen Koenig. As a former emotional eating “nice girl”, I really enjoyed and related to all the valuable ideas that Karen presented in her easy-to-read format. I especially liked her sense of humour and personal stories that were presented throughout. Karen wrote the book as though she was having a personal conversation with each and every reader. She directly addresses every “nice girl’s” biggest concern – that not being a nice girl does not mean being mean to others – there is a lot of space in between. Her “Grab Your Thinking Cap” questions helps readers explore how the book relates to their own life and the “No More Nice Girl Manifesto” in each chapter lists concrete and practical tips for letting go of old and unhealthy habits.

Feelings, They're Nothing More Than Feelings

Barb Small — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 12:49:00 GMT

One of the number one reasons people give for not being assertive is that they don’t want to upset the other person. They are focused on taking care of the other person’s feelings, but willing to neglect their own.

I find that in our society we are so afraid of what we deem as “negative emotions” such as anger, sadness, disappointment or fear to name a few, that we do everything possible to avoid feeling them or to avoid provoking them in someone else. I hear from clients, “I can’t tell him that, he’ll be disappointed” or “she’ll be mad because she doesn’t approve of my choice”. These statements are made with the unspoken thought that “obviously, I can’t do what I planned to do because I have to ensure the other person is not upset.”

Feelings are natural. They are simply energy that needs to be expressed in some way. They are also transient and change throughout the day several times. We wake up and feel happy, then we stub our toe and feel grumpy, then our cat wants a cuddle and we cheer up, then we find out we didn’t win the lottery again and we feel disappointed, and then realize it’s Friday and we feel good again etc. We experience a multitude of feelings over one day.

One friend told me a story about how upset her grandfather was that she were marrying someone of another religion and that her mother was so completely focused on the fact that her father was upset, that she almost had her daughter cancel her wedding. Her mother kept saying, “But my father’s upset. It’s so terrible. We can’t have this continue.” There was such fear of the negative feeling that the grandfather was experiencing that all the energy got redirected on to how to make him happy.

I said, “Yes, he’s upset. Okay. It doesn’t automatically mean something has to be done to change that.” He has the right to be upset and he has the right to not want her to marry the man. And the granddaughter has the right to want to marry him. Both views can exist at the same time and the grandfather will choose to move through his feelings or not.

Are You Afraid of Appearing Selfish

Barb Small — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:41:00 GMT

Taking care of our own needs and expressing ourselves does not mean that we are being selfish. For many people the word “selfish” has a very negative connotation.

I like to say we are being “self-full”. Our needs and other people’s needs are not always mutually exclusive. Just because we make choices for ourselves does not mean that we will always choose to ignore others and not do anything for them. But we will do it from a place of choice rather than a place of “have to” or fear.

Sometimes when we always step up and do something for someone else, when perhaps we don’t want to, we may be preventing them from seeking out the help they need from someone else who might be more qualified or more able to meet their needs. It can also be detrimental to that other person because when we always do it for them; we are preventing them from learning to do it for themselves. So instead of thinking of being assertive as being selfish, think of it as respecting our rights and the rights of others to make personal choices for ourselves

Self-Esteem and Assertiveness

Barb Small — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:34:00 GMT

Self-esteem and assertiveness are directly related. Of the four styles of communication, the three non-assertive styles of communication (passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive) all had low self-esteem.

If you don’t feel good about yourself and believe in yourself, you are more likely to look externally for answers and motivation. If you don’t trust yourself, you are less likely to be assertive and express your feelings, needs and wants. You are more likely to try to manipulate and control the situation or others so that the outcome is predictable and something you can cope with. You are less likely to take risks where you don’t know the outcome, because you won’t trust that you can handle it.

Therefore, improving your self-esteem will help you to be more assertive. Similarly, the positive outcomes from taking the risk to act assertively will help to boost your belief in yourself and boost your self-esteem.

Subscribe to The No-Nonsense Coach Newsletter

Barb Small — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:00:00 GMT

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