When you change how you interact with another person, that person needs to make a decision as to how she will now interact with you. She has the choice to:

• change along with you and embrace the new dynamics
• search out someone new who will interact in the style to which she have grown accustomed
• try to drag you back to how things used to be because your new behaviour is still unfamiliar and your old behaviour is still quite comfortable

How someone responds to your assertiveness is his or her choice. It is up to them to accept it, reject it or be offended by it. We are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, actions or decisions. How they respond is completely their choice.

If they do not like your behaviour it is up to them to be assertive with you as well and let you know. Or they need to find some other way to get their needs met. Assertiveness allows flexibility and space for negotiation.

All of us have our own reasons for choosing not to be assertive at certain times in our life. Assertiveness is a choice.

What are your reasons for choosing not to be assertive? Do they include:

• Fear of other people’s responses
• Fear of conflict
• Fear that others will use the information against me
• Don’t know how to be assertive
• Don’t know what it is
• Don’t know that I have the option to be assertive
• It’s selfish or uncaring
• My negative self-talk, my belief systems about being assertive
• What I perceive to be the expectations of others

Remember being assertive is a choice.

You can choose to be assertive in a situation or you can choose not to be. But if you choose never to be assertive then I would question whether you could be assertive if you wanted to.

In some situations you may choose not to be assertive because it is not in your best interest. For example, you may choose not to be assertive with a boss who in the past has fired someone who stood up to her and right now possibly losing your job is not a risk that you are willing to take. It is important that you recognize that you are making a choice to do this and that you are not trapped in the situation.

When we make a choice to do, or to not do, something it is because we have decided that we are willing to deal with the consequences or outcome and we believe that we are capable of doing so.

Why are you making the choice that you are making in the current situation? Do you feel that you have the skills to be assertive if you chose to?