Feelings, They're Nothing More Than Feelings
One of the number one reasons people give for not being assertive is that they don’t want to upset the other person. They are focused on taking care of the other person’s feelings, but willing to neglect their own.
I find that in our society we are so afraid of what we deem as “negative emotions” such as anger, sadness, disappointment or fear to name a few, that we do everything possible to avoid feeling them or to avoid provoking them in someone else. I hear from clients, “I can’t tell him that, he’ll be disappointed” or “she’ll be mad because she doesn’t approve of my choice”. These statements are made with the unspoken thought that “obviously, I can’t do what I planned to do because I have to ensure the other person is not upset.”
Feelings are natural. They are simply energy that needs to be expressed in some way. They are also transient and change throughout the day several times. We wake up and feel happy, then we stub our toe and feel grumpy, then our cat wants a cuddle and we cheer up, then we find out we didn’t win the lottery again and we feel disappointed, and then realize it’s Friday and we feel good again etc. We experience a multitude of feelings over one day.
One friend told me a story about how upset her grandfather was that she were marrying someone of another religion and that her mother was so completely focused on the fact that her father was upset, that she almost had her daughter cancel her wedding. Her mother kept saying, “But my father’s upset. It’s so terrible. We can’t have this continue.” There was such fear of the negative feeling that the grandfather was experiencing that all the energy got redirected on to how to make him happy.
I said, “Yes, he’s upset. Okay. It doesn’t automatically mean something has to be done to change that.” He has the right to be upset and he has the right to not want her to marry the man. And the granddaughter has the right to want to marry him. Both views can exist at the same time and the grandfather will choose to move through his feelings or not.
I find that in our society we are so afraid of what we deem as “negative emotions” such as anger, sadness, disappointment or fear to name a few, that we do everything possible to avoid feeling them or to avoid provoking them in someone else. I hear from clients, “I can’t tell him that, he’ll be disappointed” or “she’ll be mad because she doesn’t approve of my choice”. These statements are made with the unspoken thought that “obviously, I can’t do what I planned to do because I have to ensure the other person is not upset.”
Feelings are natural. They are simply energy that needs to be expressed in some way. They are also transient and change throughout the day several times. We wake up and feel happy, then we stub our toe and feel grumpy, then our cat wants a cuddle and we cheer up, then we find out we didn’t win the lottery again and we feel disappointed, and then realize it’s Friday and we feel good again etc. We experience a multitude of feelings over one day.
One friend told me a story about how upset her grandfather was that she were marrying someone of another religion and that her mother was so completely focused on the fact that her father was upset, that she almost had her daughter cancel her wedding. Her mother kept saying, “But my father’s upset. It’s so terrible. We can’t have this continue.” There was such fear of the negative feeling that the grandfather was experiencing that all the energy got redirected on to how to make him happy.
I said, “Yes, he’s upset. Okay. It doesn’t automatically mean something has to be done to change that.” He has the right to be upset and he has the right to not want her to marry the man. And the granddaughter has the right to want to marry him. Both views can exist at the same time and the grandfather will choose to move through his feelings or not.
Posted by Barb Small at 3/1/2010 5:49 AM 
Categories: Assertiveness,Feelings,Self-esteem
Tags: assertiveness skills Feelings assertiveness assertive communication relationships managing feelings
Categories: Assertiveness,Feelings,Self-esteem
Tags: assertiveness skills Feelings assertiveness assertive communication relationships managing feelings
Comments