Maintaining Balance: Drainers and Energizers
Maintaining balance is important to all areas of our life. Too much focus in any one area disrupts the others. Balance doesn’t just happen. It is created by the choices we make. We continuously have to self-correct in response to what happens in life to maintain balance. Our well-being is based on our ability to RESTORE balance in the face of continual disruption. To do this we need to recognize what is disruptive and unbalances us and we need to pay attention to what balances us and allows our life to simply flow. By being attentive to our own lives, we begin to see patterns more clearly and then can act on them.
Identifying Your Personal Drainers and Energizers
- First make a list of what drains your energy, stresses you, frustrates you, worries you, irritates you, nags at you… Write down as many things as you can think of. Be specific. For example, don’t just put people. List each person by name.
- Secondly, make a list of what gives you energy, makes you happy, that you are passionate about, interests you, you enjoy, makes you feel good…
- Take a look at your two lists. What stands out for you from this activity? Is there a theme to your drainers or your energizers? In order to achieve balance the aim is to increase your energizers and decrease your drainers by eliminating them or changing how you perceive them.
- Then set a goal to eliminate two drainers and increase two energizers over the next week or month.
Barb Small
www.barbsmallcoaching.com
Email: barbsmall@shaw.ca
The 5 Stages of Change: Strategies for Success
Two psychologists, Prochaska & DiClementes, determined that people trying to change their behavior go through 5 specific stages of change before they are successful. During each stage you work through a different set of issues and tasks that relate to changing your behavior. Everyone progresses through each of these stages at their own rate. You can’t skip a stage, although you may only be at some stages only briefly. The 5 stages are:
Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation
Stage 2: Contemplation
Stage 3: Preparation
Stage 4: Action
Stage 5: Maintenance
Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation:
- You’re not thinking about making a change because you don’t think you have a problem that needs changing and you are not interested in any kind of help.
- As soon as you consider making a change you have moved onto the contemplation stage
Stage 2: Contemplation:
- You are more aware of the consequences of your unhealthy behavior and open to discussing the possibility of doing something different.
- You acknowledge there is a problem that needs to be addressed, but are still ambivalent about making the change, You weigh the pros and cons of changing, but still doubt that the long-term benefits will outweigh the short-term costs
- Some of us may think and think and think about making a particular change for years, but never move past this stage
- Increasing your self-awareness moves you forward. Some questions to ask yourself:
Why do I want to change?
What is preventing me from changing?
What would help me make this change?
- Identify the first small steps you can take to move yourself forward - this creates momentum.
- Create a list of the personal advantages of making the change and a second list of the disadvantages of remaining where you are – identifying these can also create motivation to move forward.
- Assess your motivation level by rating it on a scale of 1-10, with 1 indicating “no motivation” and 10 being “very motivated”. What would move you up one level (say from a 6 to a 7)? This will help you identify some short-term goals.
- Strategize ahead of time on how to deal with challenging situations if they were to occur. Be proactive. Focus on problem-solving these obstacles, such as: “Who will support me at work if and when I decide to change my eating habits?”
Stage 3: Preparation:
- You have made a commitment to change and in preparation have started investigating options.
- You start gathering whatever you need in order to be successful: surfing the web, seeking help from others (peer coach, personal trainer, nutritionist), calling to find out about community programs and resource, researching how others have succeeded, or taking a course and establishing support people.
- Write down your goal and create an action plan for achieving it. Begin small day-to-day behavior changes. These small steps can help build confidence and develop necessary skills.
Stage 4: Action:
- You are actively doing things to change. Moving forward with the steps in your action plan.
- Your new behavior may still be occurring on a limited and irregular basis because motivation can come and go. With time your new behavior becomes more prominent and the old behavior occurs less and less.
- Reward yourself for any positive steps you take. Reinforcement and support are extremely important in helping maintain positive steps toward change.
- Keeping a food, smoking or activity journal can help to increase your self-awareness.
- It is normal for people to “relapse” or go back to old behaviors when starting to make a change – this does not have to mean you have to give up completely. See your slips as learning opportunities. Ask yourself – “what could I do differently next time if this was to happen again?”
- Reinforce your motivation - How can you keep the most important benefits foremost in your mind? A picture, a photo, a quote, an item.
Stage 5: Maintenance:
- At this stage you maintain your change until it becomes permanent and you don’t need to keep working on it.
- You can still be vulnerable to relapse and need to stay focused on maintaining your new behavior through effective planning and avoiding and resisting temptations.
- You have to continue practicing your new behaviors until they become second nature.
Relapse
- Relapse occurs when you return to your old behavior and abandon the new change.
- It is normal and natural to fall back to a previous stage – most people experience relapse in some form along the way.
- Relapse is often accompanied by feelings of discouragement and a sense of failure. However, the majority of people who are successful at making a change do not follow a straight path to permanent success. Many cycle through the 5 stages several times.
- It is important not to see relapse as a failure. It is important to analyze how the relapse occurred and use it as a learning opportunity and an opportunity to become stronger.
- Identify the triggers that lead to the relapse. Explore how to anticipate future high-risk situations and how you can handle them either once they occur or how to avoid them in the first place.
Barb Small
www.barbsmallcoaching.com
Email: barbsmall@shaw.ca
The Evolution of Relationships
I think we could be a lot calmer and less angst ridden with new relationships if we kept in mind that:
"Everything starts as nothing and not everything becomes something".
What do you think?
Barbara Small
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be? Where do you want to be? What do you want to be doing? How do you want to live your life?
It's never too late. Do it now.
Tips for Maintaining Your Motivation to Change
First, find out what motivates you the most about making this change at this particular point in time. Why do you want to achieve this goal or make this change NOW? Your current motivation may be different than what your motivation has been in the past and your motivation may change over time as you work toward your goal.
What obstacles get in the way of you reaching your goal? For example: people, personal commitments, your home environment, your health or your work schedule. What can you do to overcome each of these obstacles or distractions? How can you prepare in advance?
If you find motivation for a particular change lacking, try getting started on something else. Even something minor. You’ll create the momentum to begin the more challenging tasks. Just do something.
Keep track of when your motivation is weak and when you feel very motivated. Notice any patterns and develop techniques to move past drops in your motivation.
In the past when you needed to get re-motivated, what worked to jump-start your motivation again?
Keep reminding yourself of the benefits of achieving your goal. Surround yourself with reminders of your motivation or the benefits of achieving your goal. Keep motivators around you as much as possible, things that gave you that initial incentive to get going and keep going.
Tell someone else about your commitment and your goal. Among your personal support network, who might help you stay focused on achieving your goal? What would you ask them to do in order to provide you with the support you need?
Keep positive friends. Spend time with positive and motivated people - those that will help build you up.
What visual representation can you put up in your home/office/car that will remind you to work toward your healthy living goal?
What statement or affirmation can you repeat to yourself to keep you motivated in achieving this goal? How can you remind yourself that you want to achieve this goal?
What picture, personal belonging or item can you choose to remind you to move forward with your goal? (photo, quotation, piece of clothing, keepsake)
Brainstorm actions you can take when motivation is low and you are struggling to follow through
If you write down goals and actions you are more likely to achieve them. Read them over daily.
Finally, how might you reward yourself or celebrate your success when you achieve your goal?
Take time to recognize the success accomplished to date to build confidence for future success.
Barbara Small, www.barbsmallcoaching.com
Maintaining Motivation: Self-efficacy - Your Sense of Personal Power
Self-Efficacy is your belief about how well you think you will be able to cope with a specific situation and produce a desired result. People's expectations of themselves determine to a large extent how much effort they exert to make changes and to cope with challenges and obstacles when they arise.
Strategies for developing positive and strong self-efficacy:
- View yourself positively
- Stop comparing yourself to others and what they are doing
- Don't "judge" yourself
- Begin seeing yourself as someone who has the ability to do what you want to do and to do it well
- Recognize the goals or small steps you have already achieved
- Prepare yourself to deal with whatever outcomes or consequences might happen
- Be proactive in identifying strategies to avoid relapse
- Reward yourself when you have achieved each step, no matter how small it may seem at the time.
Barbara Small, www.barbsmallcoaching.com
Maintaining Motivation: Believe in Yourself
One of the strongest influences on your attitude and motivation to make a change is what you say to yourself. By controlling your inner dialogue, or your “self-talk,” you can impact your motivation and your ability to follow through with your healthy change. Your degree of motivation can be decreased by your personal belief systems, including fear of success, fear of failure, your sense of personal power or self-efficacy, perfectionism or self-doubt.
You can talk yourself into feeling incapable of making the change and prevent yourself from moving forward. You can talk yourself into thinking that the change is too much work or that you don’t have time. (Inner critic)
Or…
You can talk yourself into feeling calm and confident. You can recognize your past successes and your abilities to achieve your goals. You can focus on the benefits of the change and the rewards you will receive at the end. (Inner cheerleader)
Steps for reframing your negative, self-defeating thoughts:
Identify where this thought comes from. Whose voice is this?
Dispute it or reframe it. How realistic is this thought?
Replace your negative or discouraging thought with a postive,
encouraging or calming one.
Barbara Small, www.barbsmallcoaching.com
What does your life say you value?
Take a few minutes to write brief answers to the following questions.
1. What do you find yourself doing most often?
2. How do you spend your time?
3. What do you talk about?
4. What do you do when you have a day off?
5. What offends your senses of justice and provokes indignation and outrage?
6. Look at your responses to questions 1 through 5. Based on the responses that you made, what does your current life say you value?
7. Which of your values are you most proud of?
8. If you set out to select the values that would best help you realize your life dream, what would they be?
Source: Live Your Dreams, by Joyce Chapman
Being Assertive is a Choice
When you change how you interact with another person, that person needs to make a decision as to how she will now interact with you. She has the choice to:
- change along with you and embrace the new dynamics
- search out someone new who will interact in the style to which she have grown accustomed
- try to drag you back to how things used to be because your new behaviour is still unfamiliar and your old behaviour is still quite comfortable
How someone responds to your assertiveness is his or her choice. It is up to them to accept it, reject it or be offended by it. We are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, actions or decisions. How they respond is completely their choice.
If they do not like your behaviour it is up to them to be assertive with you as well and let you know. Or they need to find some other way to get their needs met. Assertiveness allows flexibility and space for negotiation.
All of us have our own reasons for choosing not to be assertive at certain times in our life. Assertiveness is a choice.
What are your reasons for choosing not to be assertive? Do they include:
- Fear of other people’s responses
- Fear of conflict
- Fear that others will use the information against me
- Don’t know how to be assertive
- Don’t know what it is
- Don’t know that I have the option to be assertive
- It’s selfish or uncaring
- My negative self-talk, my belief systems about being assertive
- What I perceive to be the expectations of others
Remember being assertive is a choice.
You can choose to be assertive in a situation or you can choose not to be. But if you choose never to be assertive then I would question whether you could be assertive if you wanted to.
In some situations you may choose not to be assertive because it is not in your best interest. For example, you may choose not to be assertive with a boss who in the past has fired someone who stood up to her and right now possibly losing your job is not a risk that you are willing to take. It is important that you recognize that you are making a choice to do this and that you are not trapped in the situation.
When we make a choice to do, or to not do, something it is because we have decided that we are willing to deal with the consequences or outcome and we believe that we are capable of doing so.
Why are you making the choice that you are making in the current situation? Do you feel that you have the skills to be assertive if you chose to?
Valuing Who You Are
"Living Your Life Without Apology"
You are valuable for whomever you are.
You don't have to apologize for how you look, for who you choose to love, for the job you want to have, for the mistakes you have made, for whether you are quiet or out-spoken, for whether you decide to have children or not, for how you want to spend your leisure time, for what stresses you out, for what you find difficult to do, for how you feel, for what you enjoy, for your choices......
You are responsible for your choices and you are responsible for the outcome of those choices and you don't have to apologize for your life. It is yours to live. Even if others don't agree with it or understand it.
What have you been apologizing needlessly for?
How can you live your life without apology?