There was a wise old man who was considered to be an odd sort of fellow because of the way he had of looking at things. One day, one of his favourite horses ran away, and the old man’s friends rushed to console him. “That’s too bad about your horse,” they said. “We all feel sorry for you.”

“How do you know it’s bad?” asked the old man. A few days later the horse returned with two beautiful wild horses following him. This brought the neighbours on the run. “Good! Good!” they exclaimed.

“How do you know it’s good?” said the old man. The next day, while training the two wild horses, the man’s son was thrown, and he fractured his leg. The neighbours came over to commiserate with the old man. “That’s too bad about your son,” they said.

“How do you know this is bad?” said the old man. The very next day a warlord and his army came through the land, conscripting able-bodied young men to fight for them. The son, of course, wasn’t able to go. He had a broken leg.

Moral:  It’s neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.

Source: Unknown

I just finished reading “Nice Girls Finish Fat: Put Yourself First and Change Your Eating Forever” by colleague and coach, Karen Koenig. As a former emotional eating “nice girl”, I really enjoyed and related to all the valuable ideas that Karen presented in her easy-to-read format. I especially liked her sense of humour and personal stories that were presented throughout. Karen wrote the book as though she was having a personal conversation with each and every reader. She directly addresses every “nice girl’s” biggest concern – that not being a nice girl does not mean being mean to others – there is a lot of space in between. Her “Grab Your Thinking Cap” questions helps readers explore how the book relates to their own life and the “No More Nice Girl Manifesto” in each chapter lists concrete and practical tips for letting go of old and unhealthy habits.

One of the number one reasons people give for not being assertive is that they don’t want to upset the other person. They are focused on taking care of the other person’s feelings, but willing to neglect their own.

I find that in our society we are so afraid of what we deem as “negative emotions” such as anger, sadness, disappointment or fear to name a few, that we do everything possible to avoid feeling them or to avoid provoking them in someone else. I hear from clients, “I can’t tell him that, he’ll be disappointed” or “she’ll be mad because she doesn’t approve of my choice”. These statements are made with the unspoken thought that “obviously, I can’t do what I planned to do because I have to ensure the other person is not upset.”

Feelings are natural. They are simply energy that needs to be expressed in some way. They are also transient and change throughout the day several times. We wake up and feel happy, then we stub our toe and feel grumpy, then our cat wants a cuddle and we cheer up, then we find out we didn’t win the lottery again and we feel disappointed, and then realize it’s Friday and we feel good again etc. We experience a multitude of feelings over one day.

One friend told me a story about how upset her grandfather was that she were marrying someone of another religion and that her mother was so completely focused on the fact that her father was upset, that she almost had her daughter cancel her wedding. Her mother kept saying, “But my father’s upset. It’s so terrible. We can’t have this continue.” There was such fear of the negative feeling that the grandfather was experiencing that all the energy got redirected on to how to make him happy.

I said, “Yes, he’s upset. Okay. It doesn’t automatically mean something has to be done to change that.” He has the right to be upset and he has the right to not want her to marry the man. And the granddaughter has the right to want to marry him. Both views can exist at the same time and the grandfather will choose to move through his feelings or not.

Taking care of our own needs and expressing ourselves does not mean that we are being selfish. For many people the word “selfish” has a very negative connotation.

I like to say we are being “self-full”. Our needs and other people’s needs are not always mutually exclusive. Just because we make choices for ourselves does not mean that we will always choose to ignore others and not do anything for them. But we will do it from a place of choice rather than a place of “have to” or fear.

Sometimes when we always step up and do something for someone else, when perhaps we don’t want to, we may be preventing them from seeking out the help they need from someone else who might be more qualified or more able to meet their needs. It can also be detrimental to that other person because when we always do it for them; we are preventing them from learning to do it for themselves. So instead of thinking of being assertive as being selfish, think of it as respecting our rights and the rights of others to make personal choices for ourselves

Self-esteem and assertiveness are directly related. Of the four styles of communication, the three non-assertive styles of communication (passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive) all had low self-esteem.

If you don’t feel good about yourself and believe in yourself, you are more likely to look externally for answers and motivation. If you don’t trust yourself, you are less likely to be assertive and express your feelings, needs and wants. You are more likely to try to manipulate and control the situation or others so that the outcome is predictable and something you can cope with. You are less likely to take risks where you don’t know the outcome, because you won’t trust that you can handle it.

Therefore, improving your self-esteem will help you to be more assertive. Similarly, the positive outcomes from taking the risk to act assertively will help to boost your belief in yourself and boost your self-esteem.

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Karen Koenig, author of "Nice Girls Finish Fat", was very kind to take the time to read all three of my books and write me wonderful reviews. Thank you Karen.

A trio of books by Barbara Small, MA on subjects near and dear to the hearts of disregulated eating—becoming assertive, effective communication and self-talk—belong on all of your bookshelves. Barbara, a reformed overeating “nice girl” and counselor and life coach living in Victoria, BC, has lots of insightful and instructive things to say about how to get your head on straight and live up to your potential.

In WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT DO I WANT: BECOMING ASSERTIVE she focuses as how to get it what you want in life. Starting off with communication styles, she moves on to discuss how we learned to communicate poorly, how to use cognitive restructuring to turn around your thinking, and gives hands-on suggestions about becoming more assertive. The book is filled with self-assessment exercises, practical advice, and humor. In fact, it’s a mini-workbook written in clear, cogent language that teaches you exactly what you need to know about standing up for yourself.

In BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, CHANGING YOUR NEGATIVE SELF-TALK Small tackles the bane of our existence, the crummy, inaccurate things we tell ourselves that hold us back. She points out how these thoughts continually distort our perceptions and make us think that belief is truth and shows how negative self-talk affects self-esteem, addiction, and stress management. Not only does Small explain the different types of harmful self-talk, but she then provides a step-by-step approach for changing it. She really makes it easy to do!

Another great title, IF I COULD JUST GET OUT OF MY OWN HEAD: A NO-NONSENSE GUIDE TO COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY, explains where we go wrong in communicating and how we can improve, offering specific examples and assessment and learning exercises. She covers reacting versus responding, active listening, effective speaking, non-verbal communication, and reframing beliefs all in easy to understand language. Moreover, she includes a section on roadblocks and a trouble-shooting guide that covers pretty much all the problems you’ll run into as you attempt to improve your communication skills.

These three books teach must-have life skills to disregulated eaters in a palatable way, skills which are essential for recovery from eating problems and for leading a satisfying, authentic, successful life. The books are short and to the point, so I highly suggest you read all three. Find out more at http://www.barbsmallcoaching.com/.   

Best,

Karen

http://www.eatingnormal.com/

http://www.nicegirlsfinishfat.com/

Have you always wanted to become more assertive - to speak up for yourself, express your feelings freely, say no when you want to and stop being a people-pleaser? If so, what has prevented you from doing so?

One obstacle many people have to behaving assertively is their beliefs about the acceptable ways to interact with other people. These thoughts become habitual and are strengthened by repeated patterns of thinking and the impact of past experiences. We tend to assume these beliefs are accurate, seldom stopping to question their validity.

When you develop positive beliefs about being assertive, you are more likely to engage in assertive behavior and to continue acting assertively in the face of criticism and resistance from others. You are less likely to feel guilty after you have expressed your feelings and opinions or asked for your needs to be met.

The key difference between assertive communication and other styles of communication is that assertive communication is direct (clear, concise and to the point), while the others are indirect (hinting, mixed messages and avoiding the point). Assertive behavior helps communication, while aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive behavior hinders it.

Being assertive means expressing our feelings, thoughts and needs without hinting, playing games, blaming, shaming, or hoping the other person reads our mind. We ask for what we want. We state it clearly and concisely. We say it in a respectful way. We know we can deal with the consequences of our statements, whatever they may turn out to be.

We learn our style of communication from the people around us and how they interacted with each other. If we had an assertive parent then we are more likely to communicate assertively ourselves because we know what that type of behavior looks like. If a passive parent or an aggressive parent raised us, those are the styles that are most familiar to us and that we are most likely to duplicate. So, just as we learned how to be aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive in the past, we can learn to communicate assertively now.

There are many scenarios that encouraged someone to be non-assertive. Some of us were punished when we spoke out so we learned to be passive and quiet. Other people were given messages about expressing themselves, such as “children are to be seen and not heard”, “don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about” or “don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be scared of”. As a result they concluded that others did not want to hear what they had to say or how they felt. Still others were taught that it was conceited or arrogant to put themselves first, so they learned to be people-pleasers.

On the other end of the continuum other people were taught that the only way to get their needs met or to get attention was to compete and be “better” than the other person. They learned how to be aggressive and to win.

It is important to identify what our blocks are to being assertive, so that in addition to learning practical skills on how to communicate assertively, we can also work at clearing away any obstacles to initiating and maintaining these new behaviors.

Take a moment to reflect. How did you personally learn to be non-assertive? What were some of your life experiences which emphasized your passivity, aggression or other non-assertive behavior?

Do any of these beliefs about communicating assertively sound familiar?

• It’s selfish
• Others will think I am arrogant and conceited
• I will hurt the other person’s feelings
• The other person will get angry
•  I need to appear stronger than them
• Others will think I'm a bitch
• Other’s needs come first
• It’s rude
• I will get in trouble

Take a moment to consider - what are three negative beliefs you personally have about being assertive and that keep you non-assertive?

One very common belief that is an obstacle to behaving assertively is that others will think that we are being selfish. Is this one of your beliefs?

Taking care of our own needs and expressing ourselves does not mean that we are being selfish. For many people the word “selfish” has a very negative connotation. I like to say we are being “self-full”. Our needs and other people’s needs do not have to be mutually exclusive. Just because we make choices for ourselves does not mean that we will always choose to ignore others and not do anything for them. But when we do consider others, we will do it from a place of choice rather than a place of “have to” or fear.

Also, when we make choices for others we may be taking away the opportunity for them to make choices for themselves. So instead of thinking of being assertive as being selfish, think of it as respecting our rights and the rights of others to make personal choices for ourselves.

Others may be surprised and comment negatively on our assertiveness, but that does not mean we acted inappropriately. Sometimes people don’t like other people who are assertive. They may think an assertive woman is a bitch or that the person is “full of themselves” and doesn’t care about other people. This can often be because the recipient of the assertive behavior is not getting what they want. They can’t manipulate the other person. The assertive person is standing up to them and that doesn’t work for them.

How someone responds to our assertiveness is his or her choice. It is up to them to accept it, reject it or be offended by it. We are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, actions or decisions. How they respond is completely their choice.

If they do not like your behavior it is up to them to be assertive with us as well and let us know. Or they need to find some other way to get their needs met. Assertiveness allows flexibility and space for negotiation.

Self-esteem and assertiveness are directly related. If we don’t feel good about ourselves and believe in ourselves, we are more likely to look externally for answers and motivation. If we don’t trust ourselves, we are less likely to be assertive and express our feelings, needs and wants. We are more likely to try to manipulate and control the situation so that the outcome is predictable and something we can cope with. We are less likely to take risks where we don’t know the outcome, because we won’t trust that we can handle it.

Therefore, improving your self-esteem will help you to be more assertive. Similarly, the positive outcomes from taking the risk to act assertively will help to boost your belief in yourself and boost your self-esteem.

Overall, thinking positively about being assertive makes it easier to actually be assertive. We can increase our ability to communicate in an assertive manner by replacing our non-assertive messages (self-talk) with messages that support assertive behavior, such as:

• I have the right to be assertive
• I deserve to make choices that support me
• All my feelings are valid
• I have the right to say No
• I do no have to offer excuses for my choices or behaviors
• I have the right to ask to have my needs met

What are three positive beliefs that would support you being assertive? Look back at the three negative beliefs you listed above for ideas. Try changing them into positive statements.

It takes time and practice to change our communication style and become more assertive. By recognizing which of our old beliefs keep us non-assertive, challenging them and then replacing them with new beliefs that support us being assertive, we can increase the likelihood of us initiating and maintaining a new assertive and confident style of communication.

To discover the no-nonsense and practical tips and techniques I implemented myself to move from being passive and a people-pleaser to being confident and assertive, visit my website.

Author: Barbara Small, MA

Thank you to everyone who helped my assertiveness book, "What About Me, What Do I Want? Becoming Assertive" become a best-seller on Amazon by participating in the special promotion on Oct. 20th. I hope you are enjoying the book as well as the 20 free bonus gifts.

The book started out the day at 576,428 on Amazon overall and during the day went as high as 1,284 overall and become a #5 Best-Selling book in the Self-Help/Self-Esteem category.

Thank you for helping reach my goal.

Keep your eye open for a similar promotion in the New Year for my newest book, "If I Could Just Get Out of My Own Head: A No-Nonsense Guide to Communicating Effectively".

Barb

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Need help? Email barbsmall@shaw.ca